My Brain Hurts

Impending doom leaves me with nothing entertaining to say. Moods that oscillate between panic and apathy do not amuse anyone, least of all me.

Though I am always glad to hear that someone enjoys checking back here just cause they like to know that at least one other person in the world (i.e. me) complains as much as they do.

In other news, for those of you who have never had the misfortune of watching VH1's "But Can They Sing?" allow me to save you some time. No.

I think I'd actually rather read torts than watch E-List Pseudolebrities sing karaoke.

Fun With Crazies

Bec (7:56:24 PM): i sat next to a crazy person in the train station
Me (7:56:36 PM): a real crazy person?
Bec (7:56:50 PM): she was talking about how she hasn't had a bed for 14 months and that ny is filled with illegal immigrants
Bec (7:57:09 PM): and how she's living in her country, speaking her language, so they should too
Bec (7:57:16 PM): here's the best part...
Bec (7:57:47 PM): she was telling these people about some kids that she met that were hungry, so she gave them five dollars and a cheese sandwhich
Bec (7:57:54 PM): but they worshipped a cow!
Bec (7:58:06 PM): and they made fun of her, AND they made fun of christ!
Bec (7:58:22 PM): so, apparently, she really does think jesus is magic.
Me (7:58:30 PM): i can't believe they would make fun of her AND christ
Me (7:58:31 PM): hahaha
Bec (7:59:25 PM): oh yea and she mentioned something about being a former FBI agent and how the government is out to get derek jeter and a.rod sent to prison
Bec (7:59:37 PM): WAKE UP WASHINGTON
Bec (7:59:42 PM): thats a direct quote.
Me (7:59:46 PM): hahaha
Me (7:59:54 PM): that must have been a fun 40 min wait
Bec (8:00:29 PM): excellent/petrifying
Me (8:01:14 PM): hahaha
Me (8:01:21 PM): you could have moved though, no?
Bec (8:01:44 PM): yea, but i secretly wanted to hear what else she had to say

S-M-R-T

Last night, after several hours of staring blankly at the mangled word carcass that I was hoping to transform into a presentable memo, I realized that playing 18 consecutive games of Bubblet while maintaining several simultaneous aim conversations does not actually qualify as a Real Accomplishment. I decided to quit for the night, get reacquainted with my beloved DVR and wake up especially early today to do some more butchering of sentences until they vaguely resembled something that could qualify as "Plain English for Lawyers" (which still manages to have no similitude whatsoever to Actual English That Makes Sense And People Can Understand).

It was clearly a flawless plan as my utter lack of any coherent ideas for my memo would obviously magically transform into 10 pages of ingeniously sound logic and all I had to do was watch the past two episodes of The Office and go to sleep. Brilliant.

Except that I set my alarm for 7:30 pm instead of 7:30 am and slept through torts this morning instead.

Nope, I'm Still Not Funny

Yes, I am aware that I have had nothing even mildly amusing to say in a while. That is because there is something inherently unfunny about long memo writing, and the study of law in general. Well, the collective stress level of first years at this time of year is actually quite hilarious, unless you happen to be a first year, in which case you are likely too blinded by hysterical anxiety to take notice of the absurdity of it.

But seriously, think about it, it's really actually funny. Pretty much everyone I interact with on a daily basis, myself clearly included, has worked them into an utter frenzy over a stupid paper worth maybe 40% of a 2 credit class. And all anyone can do is bitch about how stressed they are, which obviously only makes it worse.

One thing I do appreciate though is the willingness of the 2 & 3Ls to point and laugh at us. Cause there really is no better feeling than being in the middle of discussing the exasperation of the long memo only to have a random 2L interrupt a conversation THAT IN NO WAY PERTAINS TO HIM to interject a snide "just wait until finals" comment. Thank you for your wisdom. I can't wait.

Until then, I'll be here, twitching in the corner and laughing maniacally about how funny law school is.

Bitch and Moan Fest 2005

Alright kids, time to throw out your imaginary social calendar and start practicing your AngryBitterFace, cause Stressed Out Whiny Season is officially open for business. Or, if you aren't in law school and therefore do not fully comprehend the extent to which law students are capable of feeling sorry for themselves and loudly and obnoxiously articulating just how much more difficult their lives are than yours, run, run away while you still can.

The best part of being constantly surrounded other first years who understand exactly what I'm going through is surprisingly not just that it allows every day to turn into a grumpy pity party (though I clearly do enjoy that). Rather, it's their uncanny ability to bring to my attention every little thing that it had not yet occurred to me to be stressed about.

Whatever, I don't generally worry about all that school/learning/generally-being-prepared-for-life-or-at-least-just-finals stuff. The REAL reason I feel bad for myself right now is that I am currently THREE WEEKS behind on my People Magazines. And that is just no way to live.

It's Funny Cause It's True

So today I sit down in the cafeteria to eat my delicious lunch from Whole Foods. My friend, who I sit next to in class, notices my plate of tofu, artichokes and brown rice and looks at me in UTTER ASTONISHMENT. It was as though I had pulled out a heaping bowl of staple sauce.

Me: What?
Her: [incredulously] Are you a vegetarian?
Me: No, I just don't eat a lot of meat, and I like vegetables and tofu. Why?
Her: [still baffled] It's just so healthy.
Me: [now confused] I guess. So?
Her: Well, it's just that you have NO DISCIPLINE.
Me: Thanks, I can't hear that enough.

Um, What?

I just saw a guy wearing a suit peeing on the side of my building. WTF?

Whiny McComplainsALotSteinBerger

K, people who watch the Food Network at the gym weird me out to begin with, but people who turn on the Food Network at the gym and then leave, taking with them the batteries to the remote just piss me off. I'll admit that I don't even mind watching stupid infomercials once in a while (it makes homemade salsa and chocolate mousse in under 8 seconds? And it can be used as a party mug for frozen margaritas?? Shut the fuck up, I need one!) But to be stuck watching a half hour program on a woman who started her own business selling glaze for ham, that is just uncalled for.

Also, I've been thinking about it really hard, and I've decided that I'm just not going to take any finals. It's a nice offer, really, but I just don't feel like it. Cause honestly, it's taken me until now just to figure out to get all my reading done for class (remember the first week of school when I thought that two cases a night was not the end of the world? How cute was that?), so to have to actually understand concepts and remember things beyond that is really not going to work for me. And long memo? No, thank you.

Oh well, at least random absurd and disturbing rock videos about schoolbuses make me laugh.

Library of Rage and Hysterics

OK, here is how I know I was not meant to have a blog: the funniest thing in the history of the universe (or, just of the library) happened last night, and I do not feel at all compelled to write about it. Cause let's be honest, my words simply cannot do this Psychobitch justice. Obviously, I will make the attempt anyway, mostly because somebody yelled at me for not updating ever (whatever, sometimes I have more important things to be doing, like...Ok, no I don't).

So anyway, sometimes, despite having spent an entire Saturday afternoon in the library, it becomes necessary to stay for a vast majority of the night as well. This mostly happens when the entire afternoon was spent in the library on AIM, checking Facebook for updates and/or seeing if it's possible to reach the end of the internet.

After a delicious/nauseating/deliciously nauseating burrito dinner, Anna and I return to the library to continue business as usual (i.e. I sit at the table behind her and we IM each other saying funny and stupid things to make a Saturday spent in the library both more bearable and less productive). Upon our return, Psychobitch, a rando who is sitting at the other end of Anna's table, decides that all her angsty law school rage and venom was not being put to best use by remaining pent up inside her. Obviously, her hatred and rage is much better spent being spewed forth in our direction for NO APPARENT REASON other than that we were breathing too much of her library air and sitting in her general vicinity.

Anna gets up to show me several books that are kept in the library, including "The 107 Best Law Schools" (because ironically, it makes no mention of our school) and "Time Management for Law Students" (which we obviously do not need cause we are professional time managers). When Anna returns to her table, Psychobitch gives her the UglyFaceDirtyLook, which Anna, who is clearly far more mature than I am, appropriately scoffs at and then moves on.

At this point, Cait returns from dinner and sits down next to me. Anna and I continue send each other hysterical IMs regarding the random awkwardness that is Psychobitch, which Cait is reading over my shoulder. Cait can no longer (or ever, for that matter) contain herself, and she starts cracking up, which sets me off giggling, but we're both laughing in our "library voices," so the sounds resemble asthmatic chipmunks. Nobody else seems to be all that bothered, but Psychobitch jumps us, slams closed her Imporatant Law School Book and shoots Anna UglyFaceDirtyLook Part II.

She snatches up her stuff and turns around to give us UglyFaceLookofDEATH, which obviously worsens the laughter. She huffs off, walking directly in front of me and Cait, pausing just long enough to clearly and distinctly mouth "BITCH!" I missed this because I am looking down in an attempt to contain my laughter, but Cait looks her straight in the eye and laughs harder. Psychobitch responds by imitating the wheezing chipmunk laughter with utter disdain and storms off.

Psychobitch sits down at the other end of the room and plugs her fingers in her ears (seriously). We manage to calm down for approximately 12 seconds, until Anna points out that while reading her book, Psychobitch has to repeatedly remove her firmly-placed, soundproof thumbs from her ears in order to angrily turn the page before shoving her thumbs back in her ears.

Cait fully loses it. She starts laughing so hard that she LITERALLY falls out of her chair. Her ass smacks to the ground, and Emilio starts clapping. I am trying so hard to hold in my laughter that I can't breathe and I actually think the veins in my neck might explode. I run out of the library covering my mouth and break into hysterics as soon as I get outside. Cait busts into the hall, laughing so hard she throws up a little. Cute.

Marco and Anna join us in the hall to explain what Psychobitch did upon our departure. I will leave the actual description to Anna:
"As they walk out...Stanky Girl lifts her entire arm. Middle finger exposed. And, in a sweep around her head like cowboy swinging his lasso of HATE AND BITTERNESS, flicks off Cait & Emily as they walk out."

The whole situation left us with no choice but to go out and get drinks. Clearly, a Saturday night well-spent in the library.

Public Service Announcement

A note to the waiter from the restaurant where I had dinner tonight:
If you are going to hit on me, you should not use the same exact line you used on me last time, when I ate there with my mother.
Also, you should be a woman.