Sunday, November 06, 2005

Library of Rage and Hysterics

OK, here is how I know I was not meant to have a blog: the funniest thing in the history of the universe (or, just of the library) happened last night, and I do not feel at all compelled to write about it. Cause let's be honest, my words simply cannot do this Psychobitch justice. Obviously, I will make the attempt anyway, mostly because somebody yelled at me for not updating ever (whatever, sometimes I have more important things to be doing, like...Ok, no I don't).

So anyway, sometimes, despite having spent an entire Saturday afternoon in the library, it becomes necessary to stay for a vast majority of the night as well. This mostly happens when the entire afternoon was spent in the library on AIM, checking Facebook for updates and/or seeing if it's possible to reach the end of the internet.

After a delicious/nauseating/deliciously nauseating burrito dinner, Anna and I return to the library to continue business as usual (i.e. I sit at the table behind her and we IM each other saying funny and stupid things to make a Saturday spent in the library both more bearable and less productive). Upon our return, Psychobitch, a rando who is sitting at the other end of Anna's table, decides that all her angsty law school rage and venom was not being put to best use by remaining pent up inside her. Obviously, her hatred and rage is much better spent being spewed forth in our direction for NO APPARENT REASON other than that we were breathing too much of her library air and sitting in her general vicinity.

Anna gets up to show me several books that are kept in the library, including "The 107 Best Law Schools" (because ironically, it makes no mention of our school) and "Time Management for Law Students" (which we obviously do not need cause we are professional time managers). When Anna returns to her table, Psychobitch gives her the UglyFaceDirtyLook, which Anna, who is clearly far more mature than I am, appropriately scoffs at and then moves on.

At this point, Cait returns from dinner and sits down next to me. Anna and I continue send each other hysterical IMs regarding the random awkwardness that is Psychobitch, which Cait is reading over my shoulder. Cait can no longer (or ever, for that matter) contain herself, and she starts cracking up, which sets me off giggling, but we're both laughing in our "library voices," so the sounds resemble asthmatic chipmunks. Nobody else seems to be all that bothered, but Psychobitch jumps us, slams closed her Imporatant Law School Book and shoots Anna UglyFaceDirtyLook Part II.

She snatches up her stuff and turns around to give us UglyFaceLookofDEATH, which obviously worsens the laughter. She huffs off, walking directly in front of me and Cait, pausing just long enough to clearly and distinctly mouth "BITCH!" I missed this because I am looking down in an attempt to contain my laughter, but Cait looks her straight in the eye and laughs harder. Psychobitch responds by imitating the wheezing chipmunk laughter with utter disdain and storms off.

Psychobitch sits down at the other end of the room and plugs her fingers in her ears (seriously). We manage to calm down for approximately 12 seconds, until Anna points out that while reading her book, Psychobitch has to repeatedly remove her firmly-placed, soundproof thumbs from her ears in order to angrily turn the page before shoving her thumbs back in her ears.

Cait fully loses it. She starts laughing so hard that she LITERALLY falls out of her chair. Her ass smacks to the ground, and Emilio starts clapping. I am trying so hard to hold in my laughter that I can't breathe and I actually think the veins in my neck might explode. I run out of the library covering my mouth and break into hysterics as soon as I get outside. Cait busts into the hall, laughing so hard she throws up a little. Cute.

Marco and Anna join us in the hall to explain what Psychobitch did upon our departure. I will leave the actual description to Anna:
"As they walk out...Stanky Girl lifts her entire arm. Middle finger exposed. And, in a sweep around her head like cowboy swinging his lasso of HATE AND BITTERNESS, flicks off Cait & Emily as they walk out."

The whole situation left us with no choice but to go out and get drinks. Clearly, a Saturday night well-spent in the library.


Anonymous Emilio said...


6:58 PM  
Blogger emily said...

I know, I really thought she was going to cut us.

8:22 PM  

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